woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
