Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
