The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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