I could make wine with my vomit
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
