you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
