i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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