He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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