i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
