remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Randomize
