hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
