5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
