omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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