Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
