Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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