The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Pants are for mortals
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
