everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
They are going to name an STD after you.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
