I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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