before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
