Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
