My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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