how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
