i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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