This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
