I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
