talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
