2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
