The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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