My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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