No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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