Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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