Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
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Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
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Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.