I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
