I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
