you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Thank you for not boning my boss.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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