I think I won the penis lottery.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
