Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize