i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
