i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
