When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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