birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
