hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
