i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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