My liver just broke up with me...
one two three fourrrrnication!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
