all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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