Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
