turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
