Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
