apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My bed is full of blood and feathers
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
