I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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