I wish I could teleport
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
