I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
