WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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