I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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