She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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