drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
