I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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