Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
