she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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