She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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