just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
