I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
