You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
