I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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