My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
